One Year Later   4 comments


I’ve been dreading today. I just knew I’d be unable to focus on the many duties I had to do today, that I’d be edgy and weepy and distracted and howly.

Just goes to show- I never know how I’m going to be. It was actually a weirdly pleasant day.

I didn’t dream about her last night. I don’t dream about her often, which is baffling and heartbreaking to me. I dreamed about her almost every single night of our long years together. Why did I get that when I had her out in my barn (or at least boarded somewhere not too terribly far away)? Why is it that now when I need a touch of her so  desperately she is so elusive?

Nonetheless, I woke up okay this morning, and tiptoed around myself as I had my coffee and did my chores and got ready for work. Kept waiting for the tsunami to hit. Especially when I went out to feed Jazzie, who certainly wasn’t perturbed by this awful anniversary. She nickered expectantly for her breakfast and turned her fat butt on me when she got it, just as if there were nothing grievous to feel.

Went to work. Ran errands. Took the in-laws to their doc appointment. Spent a very pleasant evening with the ol’ man (despite the new smart TV not working right, grr grr.)

I’m about to go feed Jasmine her dinner, and do a brief ritual of remembrance for my girl. Maybe after this nice mellow day it will be a nice mellow ritual.

But I can feel it shifting under my feet, like an icy black bottomless lake under a sparkling sheet of thin ice. Maybe I’ll skate across tonight, on this much dreaded anniversary. Maybe it will seize me and drag me under.

It will. Some time.

Time moves on, and I’m not crying every day. But I miss her. So terribly. So hopelessly.


Just a horse. Just a skinny old twitterpated mare with a thin skin and a difficult character. Awful Old Thing.

But there’s a primal howl building deep inside me. Wonder when it rip will out of my guts?


Posted December 8, 2017 by suzmuse in Uncategorized

4 responses to “One Year Later

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  1. The anticipation of this grief sounds almost as bad as the thing itself. Love to you.

    • and ultimately foolish. my ritual in the cold darkness was sad, so terribly sad- but not the doubled-over keening of a year ago.
      one shouldn’t anticipate the worst, and yet it’s a habit i’ve never managed to outgrow.
      i did dream about her last night, briefly. and the ‘recovery day’ i scheduled for myself today, while not needed in the way i expected is still very welcome.
      maybe i’ll write!

  2. Hi Suz! Anniversaries are rough, nut one by one we go thru the year.
    (Steel Kachinas or Herlander Walking on

    • Labs!!!!! I was so hoping to hear from you! i wasn’t able to find your blog from your card (which was beautiful, thank you!) and now i’ve got you.
      🙂 khairete

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