melancholy   4 comments

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she’s been gone for 4 months and 2 days. the daily heavy noisy gasping sobbing paroxysms have passed, but not a day has gone by that i haven’t missed her. badly. usually with tears.

and sometimes the ugly noisy crying.

but today was the worst in a long time. maybe it’s the start of the mercury retrograde, or all the time i’m spending in LJ’s wayback machine, or the Kore Work i’ve been deep into for a while now. maybe just her upcoming birthday.

i dunno.

we all miss our beloved 4-leggeds when they go. she ain’t the first by a long shot. she’s not even the first horse i’ve lost. she won’t be the last, unless the All-Receiver shows up unexpectedly soon (as He likes to do, doesn’t He?)

bo’s been gone for 7 years, and i still miss him hard. losing april was terrible, but her loss has settled into gentle memory.

but i’ve been crying all fucking day. i just can’t get on top of it today, for some reason. the farm is so beautiful. the daffodils are everywhere, dancing in the spring breeze, and almost all the gorgeous tulips i plopped all over randomly have showed up and are unfurling. the grass is brilliant green, the trees are either in full flower or moving into green. it should be celebrated, not bawled all over. david mowed the lawn, and i mowed the front pasture, and i just sobbed and snotted the whole damn time.

i hung out with jasmine when i got done, combing and shedding and skritching. she loved it. i love her. and still i bawled.

bawled during the entire 6 mile run/walk at the battlefield. bawled driving there and home. bawled in the shower.

so much of me was tangled up with her. my childhood pony dreams, the wake-up call when my first horse cared nothing for my hopes and dreams and longings to snuggle. mind you, i made her take kisses and hugs and smoochies, but not until she was old did she actually ever seem to like them. i can trace my development on so many different levels- maturity, spiritual, parental, coping with stresses, determination to be right at all costs, being humbled, and transcendent joy, all pretty much spot on through my Work with her.

i know it’s silly to feel as if i’m all adrift without her as my personal bellwether, but it kind of does.

it’s a gorgeous spring night out there. i’m going to go hang out with jasmine for a bit, and before i iron david’s work clothes, go out into the orchard and see if i can feel her, just a bit.

i won’t. i haven’t. not really, not much. my priestess self was so hopeful and pseudo confident that i’d be able to access her on some level after she went. but no. just memories. lots and lots of them. and so much grief.

i miss my girl.

khairete

suz

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Posted April 10, 2017 by suzmuse in Uncategorized

4 responses to “melancholy

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  1. Sometimes it is in the details of Mnemosyne that we access these deeper places. Remember, it is the pool of Memory that the blessed drink from.

  2. “my priestess self was so hopeful and pseudo confident that i’d be able to access her on some level after she went. but no. just memories. lots and lots of them. and so much grief.”

    But, my love, who is to say that *isn’t* you accessing her? Perhaps she is grieving your loss and is struggling to reach *you* and you both just keep missing that.

    Love and love and love to you, always.

  3. you’ve made me weep some more, lovies.
    in a good way.
    thank you.

  4. I am so sorry and I wish I could offer you a hug :,( I know right now it’s not much of a comfort at all, but at least you got to love her. So many girls, myself included, go through that horse-loving teenage phase and would just love to have one. I would have killed for the opportunity to love and be loved by a horse as deeply as you and April clearly did (and still do – death is not the end, although it feels like that). I never got to do any of that, except groom a friend of friend’s old horse a couple of times. Have heart dear.

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