Archive for April 2017

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I just love this time of year. It’s warm enough to be sweet and heady, and the farm smells of lilacs and honeysuckle. The seasons are just so right. After the long going-within of winter, I’m ready to be outside, to move more, to feel the sap rise. The spring sunshine is so sweet on my skin.

There’s a slender Athena moon in the west, such a slim crescent, but putting out enough light to cast a shadow as I walk among the trees. Fireflies are lighting up the treeline, so early, the earliest I’ve ever known them to wake up. The biters are also out- pretty soon I won’t be able to venture out for my night prowls without bug spray.

I’m ready to take better care of myself, to eat clean foods, to work out harder, to spend more time in the morning on the patio with my coffee instead of on the computer, to clean out the fridge and cupboards.

And it’s time to make the pharmakos.

 

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Posted April 30, 2017 by suzmuse in Uncategorized

melancholy   4 comments

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she’s been gone for 4 months and 2 days. the daily heavy noisy gasping sobbing paroxysms have passed, but not a day has gone by that i haven’t missed her. badly. usually with tears.

and sometimes the ugly noisy crying.

but today was the worst in a long time. maybe it’s the start of the mercury retrograde, or all the time i’m spending in LJ’s wayback machine, or the Kore Work i’ve been deep into for a while now. maybe just her upcoming birthday.

i dunno.

we all miss our beloved 4-leggeds when they go. she ain’t the first by a long shot. she’s not even the first horse i’ve lost. she won’t be the last, unless the All-Receiver shows up unexpectedly soon (as He likes to do, doesn’t He?)

bo’s been gone for 7 years, and i still miss him hard. losing april was terrible, but her loss has settled into gentle memory.

but i’ve been crying all fucking day. i just can’t get on top of it today, for some reason. the farm is so beautiful. the daffodils are everywhere, dancing in the spring breeze, and almost all the gorgeous tulips i plopped all over randomly have showed up and are unfurling. the grass is brilliant green, the trees are either in full flower or moving into green. it should be celebrated, not bawled all over. david mowed the lawn, and i mowed the front pasture, and i just sobbed and snotted the whole damn time.

i hung out with jasmine when i got done, combing and shedding and skritching. she loved it. i love her. and still i bawled.

bawled during the entire 6 mile run/walk at the battlefield. bawled driving there and home. bawled in the shower.

so much of me was tangled up with her. my childhood pony dreams, the wake-up call when my first horse cared nothing for my hopes and dreams and longings to snuggle. mind you, i made her take kisses and hugs and smoochies, but not until she was old did she actually ever seem to like them. i can trace my development on so many different levels- maturity, spiritual, parental, coping with stresses, determination to be right at all costs, being humbled, and transcendent joy, all pretty much spot on through my Work with her.

i know it’s silly to feel as if i’m all adrift without her as my personal bellwether, but it kind of does.

it’s a gorgeous spring night out there. i’m going to go hang out with jasmine for a bit, and before i iron david’s work clothes, go out into the orchard and see if i can feel her, just a bit.

i won’t. i haven’t. not really, not much. my priestess self was so hopeful and pseudo confident that i’d be able to access her on some level after she went. but no. just memories. lots and lots of them. and so much grief.

i miss my girl.

khairete

suz

Posted April 10, 2017 by suzmuse in Uncategorized